It’s been a few weeks since the end of the 2010 FIFA World Cup, closing a month of world unity, devastating losses, and a psychic octopus. Here’s a taxonomy of what will be most remembered of this year’s World Cup.
Argentina: Allow the blogger a moment of extremely biased fan frenzy. ¡¡¡VAMOS ARGENTINA!!! 2014 is your year, mi amor.
Boateng: These two brothers, Jerome and Kevin-Prince, played for Germany and Ghana respectively (they are Germans with a Ghanaian father). As Germany beat Ghana, a biblical rivalry seemed to ripple over the field, aided by the fact that the siblings weren’t even on speaking terms.
Diego Forlan: The Uruguayan was the star of the tournament, leading his team to a perfectly-played fourth place. Obviously, winning the Golden Ball for best player at the Cup came easily to the unflinchingly humble striker.
Europe: For the second time in a row, the third-place, runner-up and winning teams were all European countries.
Feminine wiles: A Dutch porn star volunteered her services to all her Twitter followers and a Paraguayan lingerie model promised a naked run through the Asuncion streets upon their teams’ victory, but the winning woman was reporter and goalie groupie Sara Carbonero.
German youth: The Die Mannschaft had the most promising group of youngsters, such as breakout star Mesut Ozil and Golden Boot winner Thomas Muller. They will be even more of a force to reckon with once they all hit puberty by 2014.
Hand of Clod: What British tabloids rightfully dubbed goalkeeper Robert Green’s inconvenient moment of butterfingers during the USA vs. England match. Painful.
Italian failure: The previous champions finished at the bottom of their group and made 2010 their first World Cup ever to not win a single match. What would Caesar say?
June 27: Possibly the worst day in history of refereeing? English player Frank Lampard made a goal against Germany that was clear to everyone but the referees. While England lost, they became poster children in the cause for instant replay technology.
Karate Kid: Dutchman Nigel De Jong wasn’t red carded for drop-kicking Spaniard Xabi Alonso during the final. And yet Kaká was kicked off the field because of an Oscar-worthy performance from an Ivory Coaster. Injustice!
Maradona: Hands down (no pun intended) the most entertaining part of the World Cup. His sideline antics made it difficult to decide who to keep your eye on during the game. The Albiceleste coach was the perfect lively antidote to Löw’s permanent frown.
New father: Portugal playboy Cristiano Ronaldo became a father during the games, flying to meet his son as soon as his team was eliminated.
Offside: The referee who ruled Argentina’s offside goal valid will never again safely walk the streets of Mexico.
Paul the Octopus: The German octopus correctly called eight games by glomming onto the box of mollusks bearing the flag of the winning team. The clairvoyant cephalopod has since retired.
Qualification controversy: During France’s qualifying game versus Ireland, captain Thierry Henry illegaly handled the ball. While France came out the winner, they did it with the shadow of disgrace hanging over the team.
Ri: There were five North Korean players with this surname!
Spain: La Furia Roja won their first World Cup, becoming only the eighth nation to join this prestigious group. And with FIFA’s new world rankings, España is now the #1 team on Earth. Gracias, Iniesta.
Tshabalala: The South African midfielder scored the first goal of the World Cup, giving the host country a surge of national pride.
USA: Chants of “U-S-A” were not reserved for the Olympics this year. Our team had a legitimate superstar in Landon Donovan and the final was watched by 41 percent more Americans than the last World Cup. Could futbol finally be catching on here?
Vuvuzelas: That noise emanating from your TV wasn’t a horde of mosquitoes: it was the traditional South African instrument that permanently damaged all 736 World Cup players hearing! If you find yourself missing the sound of 50,000 buzzing bees, go here.
Waka Waka: Instant catchphrase. ‘Nuff said.
Xavi and Xabi: Who other than this talented Spanish midfield duo could be mentioned? Now, can anyone pronounce their names correctly?
Yellow cards: The theme of the final was “play rough”; fourteen players were given yellow and red cards, giving the game the dubious honor of highest number of bookings ever to be dished out in a World Cup final.
Zealand, New: The All Whites were the only team at the World Cup to not lose any games, and jumped 24 spots up in the new FIFA rankings. Hobbits, rejoice!
If you are experiencing serious withdrawal symptoms like I am (such as getting up at 4am and attempting to turn on the TV and yelling “GOOOOOOOOAAAAAAL” in the middle of a crowded theater) help is on the way. Read The glorious World Cup : a fanatic’s guide and The ESPN World Cup companion : everything you need to know about the planet’s biggest sports event.
Remember: 1413 days until Brazil (June 13- July 13, 2014). Start counting down and don’t let your vuvuzela get too dusty.
-Margaret, teen blogger, 16