Other diets and pills aren’t working for you? Tired of doctor’s promises that never come true? Want to lose weight but don’t want to put down those chocolate bars?
Hold onto your hats: researchers have found another exotic fruit to magically burn away that fat! Hidden in the concrete jungles of busy American streets, the HAMBURGER might just be the new way to lose weight.
“Hamburgers are now a dietary serving of vegetables,” said Food and Drug Administration representative Ivan McKinsky. “Like pizza, they are often served with tomatoes and that counts.”
“Tomatoes are a fruit,” said health specialist Lia Chang. “But who the hell cares? I think it’s more important that Congress could decide on something at all.”
According to McRonald Meats, tomatoes aren’t the only healthy serving you can find on a fast food menu. Their top pseudo-scientist James Putter confirms, “The meat itself comes from cows, who have eaten corn and grass. This diet creates a natural bioblood flow in their veins, which in turn maintains their cells’ bioactivity. This meat, when consumed, transfers its bioenergy through biomitosis in Putter waves. This transition will aid the consumers’ biosystem and improve their bioperformance and bio energy with biocals. It’s biogood.”
Hamburgers have been flying off of the shelves across the country since the diet update, and the results have been fantastic. Take Emily Robinson, 27, from Los Angeles. She’s eaten a hamburger every meal of the day for four weeks.
“I wanted to be thin,” Robinson explains. “But I didn’t want to have to restrain my eating habits, get off of my couch or be healthy. Life’s too short and I need to more be attractive. These results are fast! I feel lighter already!”
You could shed more
IQ POINTS POUNDS just like Emily, at an all-time low cost of just $1 per meal. Get thinner while your wallet gets fatter! Order a week’s supply of burgers and fries (also a vegetable) from Burger World today for just $42.95! Call by Friday and we’ll throw in some free, delicious chocolate shakes, which must be good for you because cocoa beans grow on bushes! Or trees! Who knows? Who cares? GET THIN OR GET OUT!
– Maddie, 16, Teen Center Advisor
P.P.S. Love satire? Read my favorite essay. Ever. NOW.